 What Does It Mean To Be A Man? Find out what your kids are thinking By Kristal Brent Zook  A television commercial about “real” men has been airing recently. It shows one man ordering decaffeinated coffee (“Do you have quarter-caf?” he asks sheepishly). Another fishes for a Club Card at the checkout line, and a third enjoys a manicure. “What’s happened to men?!” asks an angry narrator. The ad is for boxing, which as we all know, is a “real man’s sport” and these men just don’t get it. While the ad is clear -- “violence equals manhood” -- young boys are often confused by conflicting messages that say real manhood is about being responsible, fair, and kind. We talked to a few teenagers from various racial backgrounds about what manhood means to them and asked them to define in their own words, concepts like “strength,” and to reflect on whether or not it’s okay to be violent with their peers or with girls. Their answers were insightful and elegant, as well as being muddled and contradictory. Violence is a part of all of their lives, and yet it emerges for each of them in very different contexts, for different reasons, and with different consequences. In all, our young interviewees provided an important glimpse into conversations we hope will take place between kids and parents everywhere. **** Joseph, a popular 12-year-old Caucasian kid from suburban Los Angeles, told us that being strong was “based on appearance and if you act tough.” When asked if there was such a thing as inner strength, Joe considered the possibility but added, revealingly: “It’s not as recognized by people.” Joe’s mother, Jocelyn, says that her son plays on a water polo team -- a sport that she considers aggressive in troubling ways (“basically wrestling”). Once, an opposing player held Joe’s teammate under the water. “Joe swam over and bodily removed the guy. I was torn,” admits Jocelyn, “because although I do feel that violence is never okay, the reality of everyday life puts kids in complicated situations. I think we need to equip them with more than just a response that says, ‘Walk away’. What if getting a teacher isn’t an option?” she asks. And what should she tell Joe: Is violence ever okay? When it comes to violence against girls, Joe says that it’s “never a good thing to hit a girl, under no circumstances.” Then he adds: “I guess.” Is it okay for boys to push girls at school in a playful way? Sure, Joe offers, as long as the girl “doesn’t seem to mind.” For urban youth - many of whom negotiate gangs and gunfire in their neighborhoods - violence is real, not a game or a sport. Parents should be aware of the ever-present reality kids may feel of becoming entangled in the criminal justice system. Even at a young age, they often realize that because of discrimination, when their fathers and brothers and uncles cross the line into violence, the consequences are far more likely to involve jail time. Javier, a shy 14-year-old, Mexican American youth from South Central Los Angeles confessed to having been jumped three times by local bullies. When asked what it means to be strong, he hesitated at first, then offered, “Uh, you mean like being educated?” It was a good answer. Javier thought some more. “Or, like being buff and lifting weights?” To him, strength was an inner quality first, as well as an outward physical appearance. Javier saw the bullies who beat him up as weak because they only act in groups. They were also weak “because they could end up going to jail.” Being a real man, said Javier “is when you have responsibilities and when you accomplish things.” William, a husky 11-year-old African American boy agrees. Being a real man is “having a good job, taking care of myself, being somebody.” On the other hand, William also thinks that being a real man is about being able to protect yourself. “I don’t like violence,” he explains. “But sometimes you have to do it. Being strong is good,” he adds, “because if a guy is trying to mess with you, you have to defend yourself and show you’re not afraid and be aggressive.” But when does being aggressive cross the line? William, who admits that he has been involved in fights at school in the past, now says that it takes a “bigger man” to be able to walk away from violence. Strength, he has learned, is “being strong in your mind; having knowledge, learning and focusing in class.” The key for all three boys’ families lies in having open, honest conversations with their sons about what it means to be a man. Parents should ask their kids if they understand the fine line between self-protection and abuse. Are they learning that manhood is about being responsible, fair and kind? And do they know that being a man has nothing to do with hitting girls? “Despite the fact that the media and peer groups are very powerful,” says Fernando Mederos, Ed.D., a domestic violence consultant for the State of Massachusetts, “messages from parents are your roots.” And what matters most, says Mederos, is not what you say but what you do. Are fathers modeling responsibility? he asks. Are they tolerant of differences of opinion without trying to silence, coerce or control the other person? In fact, to resolve conflict in a relationship without “slipping into cruelty” is precisely how relationships grow, he explains. Parents must convey this message through their own behavior, in order for their children to fully appreciate it. “Violence is against the law and it’s disrespectful,” offers William. As for boys pushing girls at school, “I don’t like that,” he says. “Because it makes me think that one day they’re going to grow up and really hurt them.” And then before they know it, he continues - like a man well beyond his 11 years - “They end up in jail.” Kristal Brent Zook, Ph.D. is an associate adjunct professor at the Graduate School of Journalism at Columbia University. Her most recent book is Black Women's Lives: Stories of Power and Pain, published by Nation Books, February 2006. |
