 Venus Prompting Mars Engaging men in talking to kids about dating violence Reported by Brian O'Connor  Men and women often communicate in different ways, at different times, and for very different reasons. We asked two couples to talk about how these differences impact the way they talk to their kids about relationships, violence or drugs. If men really are from Mars we wondered, is it possible for them to visit Venus, at least every once in a while? FVPF: Does one of you take the lead in talking to your kids about dating violence? Renee: I’m usually the one to broach subjects like violence or drugs because my husband, Lawrence, can become a bit like a “deer in the headlights” when it comes to those topics. But I do think it would make more of an impact if he talked about certain issues rather than me. And I don’t necessarily mean some formal, sit-down talk. I think it’s important that he have more of these conversations with our kids so that it’s not such a big deal when either of us talks to them about important things. I want to figure out a way to engage him in the process more, so that he feels responsible for taking on some of these issues that require ongoing conversations. At the same time, I need to get out of the way. It’s a letting go process for me. I think a lot of women, including myself, don’t recognize the role that men can play in talking to our kids because we think we need to do it all. It’s about sometimes giving him the necessary lead-ins to help raise valuable discussions and letting him know that our son and daughter respect and admire him in a different way. FVPF: Lawrence, do you feel like a “deer caught in the headlights” when it comes to talking to your kids about sensitive issues? Lawrence: Maybe there’s some truth to that. When growing up in my family, Mom talked about the emotional stuff and dad pretty much stayed out of it. I actually talked to our 15-year-old son about sex recently, though. I know that talking to him about sexual responsibility and respect made an impact. FVPF: Denise, do you also feel that you need to get out of the way a bit more so that Bruce, your husband, can take a more active role in these conversations? Denise: Yes, but I worry that Bruce is going to be more blunt in conversations and not as aware of our daughter’s feelings. She’s 14 and like many girls her age, very sensitive. She’s building her sense of independence. But I also know that the role Bruce can play is important. The messenger matters. If he were to tell Jenny that she should expect nothing less than respect from boys, it would make a strong impression. I could say the same thing – and I do. Despite that it’s a little irritating (laughs), there’s more weight to the message coming from him sometimes. Dad doesn’t necessarily notice a lot of things, so when he does, it’s like a walk-on-water-compliment with her. She feels like a queen. Renee: Dads are perceived differently. Sometimes what mom is saying is just seen as white noise. But when Dad steps in, that gets a wow. Brian O'Connor, a San Francisco-based writer, works on Public Education campaigns for the Family Violence Prevention Fund. His main focus is to inspire parents and teens to talk about dating violence – helping stop violence before it starts. |
